outsidemyoffice

Wordwork

my favorite words:

• crackmaster
• lozenge
• chocolate
• yoga
• pumpernickel
• purple
• please

don't like words:

• cunt
• snatch
• plotter
• fortnight
• perpendicular
• shanty
• breakfast
• chick

Jeans

This site helps you find what jeans are good for you.

Coaching and little boys

One of my players said to me last night "Coach, my teacher said there has never been a girl soccer leader before. But you are a girl and you are our coach!"

Yoga

What do you do when you need at least 4 consecutive hours of yoga to rid your body of all the stress and knots you've accumulated from taking on 968 projects but you only have exactly 2 minutes and 43 seconds to spare?

I think there needs to be some way to separate mind from body. I need the antithesis of yoga. Then I could send my mind to work and have my body do some chores.

Mmmmm

Greatest breakfast: homemade chocolate chip cookies and a big, fat mug of coffee.

Fun

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Hydrofluoric Acid

Kurt Vonnegut, one of my favorite authors, has passed away.

He had, he said, a lifelong difficulty with women.  “My theory is that all women have hydrofluoric acid bottled up inside,” he wrote.

Hydrofluoric acid is a solution of hydrogen fluoride in water. Hydrofluoric acid is best known to the public for its ability to dissolve glass by reacting with SiO₂, the major component of most glasses.

When the last living thing

has died on account of us,

how poetical it would be

if Earth could say,

in a voice floating up

perhaps

from the floor

of the Grand Canyon,

“It is done.”

People did not like it here.

- Kurt Vonnegut

What I learned on the weekend

• You can give the inside of your mouth a chemical peel by eating salt & vinegar chips.
• I really missed my hilarious friend Ryan. In grade two, we'd have to stay after class everyday and write five lines of "I will not laugh in class".
• Little boys aquire a taste for expensive clothing at nine years old.
• You can get a hangover from chocolate.
• You can decorate really cool Easter eggs by dipping half the egg in one color and the other half in another color.

My Humps

Things I Learned Last Week

1. Black ice isn't really black. It's transparent.
2. Tackling is not allowed in indoor soccer.
3. Mount Robson in British Columbia, at 12,972 feet (3,954 meters) is the highest peak in the Canadian Rockies.
4. Little boys should not be allowed to rearrange their rooms by themselves.
5. Premier magazine's 20 most overrated movies of all time doesn't include the Titanic. wtf?

Merry Excess

Who wants to have a competition to see who can gain the most weight over Christmas Hellidays?

I bet I'm gonna win. I've already started. Danish butter cookies in a tin the size of my car.

Jilly? You in? Derick? Cripsty is disqualified because her impending doom is set to arrive shortly after. If we could somehow subtract baby weight from fat gain, she could participate.

Why does my eye color match my hair color in pictures?

A Short Story

And to Think That I Saw it on Pine Street
by Adventure Walker, age 8 (almost 9)

When I leave home to go to school, Dad always says to me, "Keep your eyelids up and see what you can see." Now what can I say when I get home today? I can say that I saw a normal looking house, but something look weird. I looked at it again. The house turned into a monster house. It has sharp teeth where the front door stands. The front windows are its eyes. I get a bit scared. The house is gone. I look again and then back again. It sill is not there. So I look in the air and a flying monster house with wings and feet is flying around over me. How can my day get any crazier? Then I run up ahead and there are lots of tree clothes and its starts running. Then I see a man with three legs. I stop him and ask him what I should do. He says "Count all the things you've seen today." I do that and thanks to him the house is back to its old self.

Benefit of Sharing an Office

Your office mate gives you tickets to the Oilers game! Tonight!

Winter

Why I Love Beej and Fred so much

Because they produced a baby with a bottom lip that does this:

 And so young! She's only a mere infant!

We Built This City

Not only the worst song of 1985, but perhaps the worst song EVER.

1980s

My office mate and I have been listening to TimeLife 80s Collection. The 80's were full of keyboards and clapping and unrequited love.

My favorite song so far is Tired of Toein' the Line but I'm only on 1983.

I think Blair's is Cum on Feel the Noize. Ugh.

We are creating two playlists. The Best of the Eighties and the Worst of the Eighties.

New Knowledge

This week I learned:

• I need to embrace the fact that I am now an old cougar. Love it. Live it.
• Changing your haircolor can make you more attractive to the opposite sex. A lot more attractive.
• I can be attracted to a German. And a man that is taller than me. And a man who seems to have his stuff together (ie. doesn't live with his mother, or ex-girlfriend, or have borderline personality disorder)
• Adobe InDesign really is better than Quark Xpress.
• The Cars rule.
• Eating Halloween candy for dinner every night can make you sick.
• I'm an indoor soccer superstar.
• This land formation and the access road going through it look like an Indian head wearing an ipod.
• Elementary school kids are not allowed to bring pocket knives to school.

Baby!!

Beej brought her beautiful baby in. Isn't she cute? I want to squish her guts out!!!

And...beautiful Beej brought me this mug because it looks like a vagina with hair:

Could yesterday have been any better?

Freaky

Gord, who runs tvshowsondvd.com told me to watch Dexter, which I haven't even heard of. That very same day, my very own personal librarian got Dexter from the library for me. This is the fourth weird coincidence in two days. Do you think it means there really is a god?

I love having my own personal librarian. She even takes the books back for me.

Suck It

I just found this drawing Cristy had sent me for my Birthday a few years back. I had to share.

Dove Ad

Heartbeat Gomez

Baby!!!

November 3rd

On November third, this movie opens. I can't wait.

Heather Moyse

I think this girl just might be the greatest female rugby player to date.

Nightmare

I told Jill I'd post a picture of her in her bathing suit on my blog. Her computer is down so she can't see it.

Here it is, for the entire internets to see. Jill. In her bathing suit.

Womens' World Cup

Canada scrums down against Kazakhstan. Canada won 45 to 5 in a forward-dominated game. Those aren't so much fun to watch.

Tomorrow, England and Canada play. I predict it will be the best game of the tournament. England looks very strong.  Scotland lost to New Zealand by a mere 21 points! That is the closest loss New Zealand has had. The gap is narrowing. Either that, or New Zealand was out drinking all night.

Decisions

I have one hour to kill. My home is a mess, my car is embarrassingly dirty and I haven't exercised in two days. I'm going to make my mom proud and take a nap.

Guest Post from Derick

Are you addicted to huffing the Internet pipe? I thought I had things under control until I went camping on the long weekend. Camping is a land where, no matter how hard you try, the internet souls refuse to be summoned. My laptop was useless. I was lost - emotionally, and literally. No google maps meant I had to use the road signs. Sounds easy, but apparently who ever made the road signs had the same problem accessing google maps.

Now, I don't mind getting lost if it's in the form of a torrent download with bonus footage from Season 2, but if it's a reality-show kind of lost and you have no internets, it's no fun. In summary, no internet access = God help us all. I'm surprised the terrorists haven't figured this out yet. Send a few guys armed with cable cutters to the service providers, and we'd have world-wide panic. I use my laptop to access the net for everything from work, shopping, gaming, and other forms of *entertainment . I'd have sex with my laptop if it was possible...... Okay, I have had sex with my laptop.

Point is - the internet is a series of tubes, and you and I are complete losers. Oh yes, just by reading this puts you into the same category as me.

*other entertainment = porn

Blue?

Why do I always have to be the whitest girl on the block? I need to move to Scotland. I'm almost black there.

Extreme

Who knew mountain biking was so much fun? And why didn't they tell me?

Raven and Dolly

This is Raven.

This is Dolly. Raven and Dolly are best friends. If you try to pet Dolly, she runs and hides under Raven.

Like  this.

Treadmill Fun

How much fun would this have been to film?

Amir

I deeply miss Amir.
I miss our long talks and his thoughtfulness.
I miss his perspectives, his insights, and his honesty.
I miss his dry humor and his nurturing attentiveness. 
I miss his intelligence.
I miss sharing with Amir our personal ups and downs and his ability to listen with compassion and advise with a gentle wisdom.
I miss our debates and disagreements.
I miss his smile and his beauty. 
I miss the way he valued my compliments and made kind words feel so welcome.
Amir was  a person who deeply appreciated and loved his friends and family.
Amir was a very good friend to me and I am a better person for having known him.

I will be forever grateful for the short time I had with him.

Tossing

You know how on tv, audiences would throw tomatoes or rotten fruit and vegetables at live performances that they considered trash? I wish those days would come back. I wanna throw rotten-ness right back at Pirates of the Carribean II. That move made me mad, it was so awful. The only cool thing about that movie was Bill Nighy's character. But even he couldn't save a bad plot, really annoying editing, and the utter despair of Jack Sparrow not being nearly as great a character. How could you screw that up?

Scrapes and Bruises

This looks much worse in real life.  I retired from playing rugby because I'm getting too old and the recovery takes too long.

One of my favorite teammates, Kimmy, phoned and asked me to come help out for the last three games of the season. I couldn't say no. I'm glad I didn't say no because playing those three games confirmed that I had made the right decision. Besides the scrape on my forehead, I got a cut on my knee that managed to get blood on about 18 different people before the referee noticed.

Yoga is way awesome.

iDating

Seeing as how I've had such success with iDating. My good friend, Cripst Woolery, has taken over any decision making. She chose this guy for me to email. I emailed him, he emailed back.

He says, at the end of his very first email to me, I'll be perfectly honest with you. I've never dated anyone with a kid before. I actually don't have a lot of dating experience at all. I just wanted to let you know that in advance, so bear with me if I stick my foot in my mouth or something.

Normally, I would have replied with it's okay DUMBASS, or are you aware when you put your foot in your mouth? or something along those lines. But Cripst says to give him a chance. So I told her she's taking over the correspondence.

Here was our reply:

Dear D,

Thanks for your honesty. I will certainly keep in mind that you haven’t dated someone with kids before, and understand your trepidation if you haven’t been around kids much. I would never introduce you to my son unless things progressed with us to a point where I felt comfortable with him meeting the new person in my life.  So, don’t get scared … initially you wouldn’t even meet him or spend time with him. He is, and has to be the most important thing in my life, and I make all my decisions based on him. In saying all this, I’d like to meet for coffee and see if we have some things in common.

Let me know if you’re up to it, looking forward to hearing from you.

Best,
Whoremantha N. Walker

Survival

In honour of my dad, and because my orange-headed child is away, I'm going to see how long I can go without going to the grocery store.

Tonight, for supper, it's tortilla chips, cheese, salsa, and yoghurt. Not bad, eh?

Tomorrow, it's ant corpses.

Dads

My mom has been away since the middle of July. That means my dad comes over for dinner every second night. Every first night, he goes to my sister's for dinner. He wears his clothes in the shower and lathers them up with soap and rinses them off and hangs them to dry because he can't figure out the washing machine. The grandkids think he's awesome. So do I.

He couldn't get the internets to work on his laptop the other night. His first reaction wasn't that the ISP might be down, or the cables not connected properly, or some other technical issue.

He said, "I don't think the internet is working. I don't know if the bill got paid."

Canadian Idol Blows

Okay, so now that the best singers on the show are gone, I'm done watching Canadian Idol. How could the best singers not even make the top 10? Although I may have to tune in when Cyndi Lauper is on. I wonder if someone will sing She Bop.

I'm replacing my Canadian Idol obsesion with this show. You can watch the entire first episode on the website.

It makes me feel dirty to watch it but at the same time I'm totally fascinated. The characters are real and pretty darn likeable.  I've only caught about the last 10 minutes of two shows but I'm already hooked.

Samadian Idol

I never thought the day would come where I would say this. I'm bored of Canadian Idol. It seems so obvious to me who is going to win this year. Where's the fun in that?

Wilco

I saw Wilco twice in two days. Elliott Brood opened for them. I want to write so much more about it but don't know where to begin.

All I can say for now is incredible.

Less sad, more fun

My new five step plan to avoid depressing weekends:

1. Don't talk to boys unless they are big and burly and buy me pizza and do magic tricks like barfing up cards.
2. Buy new exciting nailpolish that makes my toenails look like candy.
3. Have two-on-two midnight soccer games with the orangeheaded child and superdoggies.
4. Puppies!!! Pet them! Squish them!
5. Make up new words like crotchilly and crotchal and iBoyfrizzle.

Wisdom, According to Derick

Decisions should be made in the plastic-knife region ONLY

Twelve

One day a creep and a caboose met on the tracks. They drooled at each other, and everything was great in the world.

One day the caboose's ex-freight car learned that the caboose had lied to her and said the the new creep was very plain, and that he wasn't sure if he liked her. But caboose writes:  Dear Creepee,  I loooooooooooove you so much.

And the ex-freight car barfs all over the tracks. 

Dear Running,

I'm gonna learn to like you. It's going to happen so you can just stop torturing me. One day, I'm going to join in conversations about mashed up toes and rashes between the thighs and bleeding nipples and how advil is my new best friend and then where will you be?

I'm gonna squash you like a bug, Running. Yes I am.

Alligators

Some baby alligators we saw in Orlando.

Creaking

I feel old today. I really shouldn't though, right? Isn't 34 the new 26?

The Nerve

Gord came to visit before I got in today but someone was nice enough to take a picture of him.

I'm sure someone went all Georges Laraque on his ass. I hope he's okay.

Huh?

How could Billy Joel have been writing songs about me when I was only six years old? Pervert.

What Would You Do if You Couldn't Fail?

I saw that posted on a sign outside a church on the weekend. I think I'd be an artist. A painter. I've been tossing around the idea of going back to school for a couple years now. I've never been afraid of change. I crave it.

What worries me about going back to school is the possibility of moving back home. My orange-headed child needs discipline.

No Sympathy

Why can't I stop going to my male friends for sympathy? It's like putting butter on a burn. Stupidheads.

Me: Gord, Derick told me I generalize too much and it hurt my feelings. Do I?

Gord:Yes

Me: Gord, I need an ego boost badly. Do you get like that?

Gord: Not really.

Me: Can you give me an example of when I generalize?

Gord: "All men pee the bed when they are drunk." Your world is more black and white, that's all.

Me: I wish you and Derick were gay. Gay men make better friends.

Sweet Potatoes

I always get suckered into making them for Thanksgiving. A year is just long enough to forget that every single sweet potatoe recipe is completely wrong about how long they take to cook. I'm hoping that by typing it in here, I'll remember it. As I sit here, waiting and hoping that the sweet potatoes will be ready in ten minutes. I don't know how I can hang onto that hope when the last time I poked them with a fork thinking they surely must be close to done, they nearly bent the fork tine. So I phoned my mom to complain about having to do the sweet potatoes AGAIN, she said to just bring them over and we'll throw them in the microwave. My mom is the best.

Best Pick Up Line

You know baby, if I found you dead in a ditch, I wouldn't bury you right away.

Funny Faces

Build a face using Flash.

Fun

Spelling Test! On the Internets!

I got 15 wrong.

Steve Dave

I have a new crush on the graffiti stencil artist who has been roaming the streets at night. You can see some of his stuff on this nifty little google map that Gord made. You can also read about him here.

Damn Irishman

Things heard coming out of my rugby coach's mouth:

1. Why do we always come out of the changeroom like a stream of piss?

2. Emm has a dildo for one hand and a pair of scissors for the other. She can't fucking catch a ball to save her life.

3. Okay fatties, go see the ref.

4. Why do we always lie down and let a bus drive over us after someone scores on us?

5. FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!

Kissy Mom

Cutey Boy.

Happy

Here's a picture of my parents on their wedding day. I think they both look so beautiful. They are still together - which is quite amazing considering they were like nine years old when they got married.

No Snack Zone

It's our turn to bring snack to Orangehead's soccer game. The whole snack thing really annoys me. Kids do not need a snack for a one hour game. They can eat beforehand and afterwards. I really wish someone would start a community where there are no SUVs, no organized snack for kids' sports, no 'hen' parties (ie, showers, clothing clubs, candle parties, girl's night out), no signs saying "keep your dog off my lawn", no leashes for cats and no grumpy old people who yell at kids to stop running.

Lightning

Funnah

My latest crush (he's so cute!!) introduced me to this website. To see the flash movies, just click on SBEMAIL and then select a movie. It made me POL (pee out loud). It's this mexican wrestler answering his emails. I think that would be my dream job. To hang out with my friends all day, create a character and then make flash movies. I love this one especially because you'd have emails to determine what the flash movie would be about.

These two are my favorite:

Butt IQ
Dreamail - "Email's in the backyard making some stew" is the funniest thing I've ever heard since "Same to you, ya burly bitch!"

Who Now?

So it's now evident the current government is corrupt and scary just how much so. We'll have an election and I'll have to vote for someone else besides the liberal party. I'm tempted to vote conservative, but holy crap. The whole same-sex marriage issue squashes that. Why? Why can't they just keep the church out of it? I can't vote NDP because they were so willing to accept the corruption as long as they could profit from it. Green Party?

AR Calculator

I so love these guys.

When government is made to take the back seat in regulatory matters, corporations must rely on their own judgment to determine what is, and what isn't, acceptable where human lives are at risk...

Hamm told the bankers how Acceptable Risk would have applied to some famous "skeletons in the closet" of big business: IBM's WWII sale of technology to the Nazis for use in identifying Jews; Dow's production of napalm and Agent Orange for use in Vietnam; and the plight of Dursban, a Dow pesticide whose main ingredient came out of Nazi nerve agent research, was tested on student volunteers as recently as 1998, and was finally banned two years later.

Each of these cases entailed heavy casualties, Hamm noted, and yet each was immensely profitable and therefore consistent with sound business practice. Hamm said the case of the Bhopal gas disaster of 1984 was slightly more complicated--but so long as so-called "socially responsible" investor groups do not get away with forcing Dow to spend too much time on the matter at the May 12 AGM and elsewhere, that case could end up being a "golden skeleton" too.

Please visit http://www.dowethics.com/risk to try out the Acceptable Risk Calculator for yourself, and for text, photos and video of the London announcement.

Groundbreakers

I've always loved the Beatles. The first song I fell in love with was Michelle My Belle when I was about six years old. That Paul, George, and Ringo went on to lead relatively normal lives, and by normal lives I mean they didn't die of drug overdoses or get plastic surgery to the point of no return, can forever set an example for superstars of tomorrow.

I've never been able to undersand how people couldn't love them. Even if you don't love the Beatles, surely people must be able to understand their contribution? Colby Cosh wrote an interesting entry about it. Check it out.

David Shrigley

Do you think it's okay to fall madly in love with someone simply based on their work?

http://www.davidshrigley.com

The Dudes

Do you ever come across a band that you can't get enough of?

Here's my latest.

Check it out. I'd love to know what you think. The song Dropkick Queen of the Weekend is the best song I've heard in a long time. Well, maybe not that long, but I like it more than I did the other songs. I know what your thinking, she says that all the time, but this time it's true.

Nudey Judys

Change room etiquette involves getting dressed before performing other tasks such as brushing your teeth, styling your hair, putting on your make-up, or walking around and humming.

The naked body can be a beautiful thing but in combination with performing other daily tasks, it becomes repulsive. You might also want to consider the practical implications. If you style your hair before you get dressed, your hair will likely get messy when you put on your shirt. Ditto for make-up.

Humming, in public, should never be done. Clothed or not. NEVAH!

Siblings

My neice, Nelly, has this piece of advice for the internets:

When your younger twin brother and sister annoy you constantly by always asking "Nelly Nelly can you do this?" and "Nelly, Nelly can you do that?" or "Nelly can you play with me??'', it might be best just to do what they ask. Or else you'll get in trouble and be forced to do it anway. Unless your mom isn't around, then you can just ignore them. If your mom isn't home, simply duct tape their mouths shut. But make sure you leave their noses uncovered so they can breathe.

Parenting

I try to refrain from giving child-rearing advice not only because I feel I have no expertise in this area, but also because my wild and crazy kid shows me on a daily basis that parenting is all about the willy nilly.

I recently became aware of something I feel I must pass on though. If your child asks you to lie for him, DON'T DO IT! HE WILL THEN TELL PEOPLE YOU LIED AND CALL YOU A LIAR!

P.S. Josh, I'm soooo sorry I told you Adventure was sick when really he was playing on his Playstation. If you wanna get revenge, I know several ways to inflict torture.

Feigning Intelligence

When having one of those days where you forget the most common of words, escape the situation by whatever means possible.

Example: forgotten word = store

Friend: What are you doing later?

You: After work today, I have to go to...the place...where you...OH MY GAWD! SOME FUCKHEAD JUST SPIT ON ME!

This will help you to avoid looking like one of those things...that lays on the ground...HOLY CRAP! MY CHEEK JUST CAUGHT ON FIRE!

Greeting Games

If you work in the service or hospitality industry, it can be very easy to lose all faith in humanity. Here is a tip to make your job a little more fun.

At Christmas time, try substituting "Season's Greetings" with "Susan's Eatings". Be sure to say it with conviction. It works especially well over the phone. You can easily modify most seasonal greetings. Try "Hairy House of Beans" instead of "Happy Halloween". You may find yourself getting quite brave with the greetings, as most people won't notice. Try to avoid getting offensive though. "Merry FistAss, Enjoy the Hornydays, and Fartingis Neverbad" may cause complaints.

Quiz

Want to see how good you are at deciphering fake smiles from real smiles?

Go here http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/smiles/ and take the quiz.

I got 13/20. I'd love to know what you other internets people got.

More Snooze Fun

Why leave all the enjoyment for sleepy time? Once you've started hitting the snooze button all night long you may be ready to attempt the snooze marathon. Sounds scary, but don't be. It's like Yoga; start with the easier formations and you'll gradually improve over time.

What is the snooze marathon? Get yourself a really loud, portable alarm clock and wear it around your neck. Set your snooze to go off every ten minutes. Think of it; you're talking to guy who's boring the shit out of you, and the alarm goes off. At this point, you have two options:

1. You hit snooze shake your head and say, "Oh, sorry. What did you say?" or

2. You hit snooze, turn around and walk away. What's he gonna do? There's nothing he can do. The alarm clock has spoken.

This ensures that the maximum amount you have to spend being bored is 10 minutes.

Mornings

If you have trouble waking up in the mornings, consider setting your alarm two hours before the time you have to get out of bed. This allows for plenty of snooze button time. Before you know it you will be setting your alarm for an hour after going to bed thus allowing you to hit the snooze button all night and fully enjoy a night of interrupted sleep!